I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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