ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize