I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
