I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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