You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
