so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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