Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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