I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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