lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
