last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
