I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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