she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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