dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she smelled like a LAN party
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
