no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
