it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
