Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
