Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize