Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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