Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
