I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm passing your future prison.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize