Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
