dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
