Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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