dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
