i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
