So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
