and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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