You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
