sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
