Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize