So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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