Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
