piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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