Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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