i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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