I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
