I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
