if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize