Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize