Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
