So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
