Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i believe in u and ur pee
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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