I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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