The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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