I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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