New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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