im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
