No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
