I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
