covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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