You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
