it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
