My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize