i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
