I'm so fucking centered right now
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize