One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
