saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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