i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
