Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize