I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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