1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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